Being a Parent is the Greatest....

....And worst thing in the world. Really. It truly,honestly just plain sucks sometimes. I know that this is not something that most people want to hear, or something people tell you. Usually its all about cherishing your lovely kids in those fleeting moments.Because thats a lot less scary and intimidating than what I am going to say. Being a parent is a neverending, thankless, tedious,annoying,stressful,depressing,heart wrenching, painful,job. Yes, there are plenty of good things too...but sometimes those are hard to see through all the crap you put up with. Sometimes I really really really do not think I am cut out for this. There are people who have 10 kids and do just fine, and I only have 2..and I am ready to just give up and run away lately.

My three yr old son thinks its fun to tell us that he hates us. Sometimes hes joking(still hurts) and sometimes hes dead serious. To him, I am the meanest mother in the world because of how I do things. I give him consequences for his actions, I make him eat breakfast,lunch,and dinner(without an endless supply of juice), I dont let him use the I-pad as much as he wants, I dont let him watch endless movies, I make him go to bed,I make him flush the potty and wash his hands(gasp! no ones does this according to him)....the list of complaints against me goes on and on.He has also decided that hitting is an appropriate response to anger. Not just lightly hitting, he has in the past punched me in the face so hard that I had to ice it. When I am trying to put his younger sister down for a nap, he comes in and wakes her up, repeatedly, until it is impossible for me to get her to nap. I've tried locking the doors, he pounds on them, waking her up. I have tried to explain about 90x probably that this is not ok, that he need to let her nap. He just doesnt get it, or doesnt care.He disobeys and doesnt listen to me at all. I say please keep your hands out of the chips, he trys to eat the whole bag. I say please leave the cord plugged in, he pulls it out...etc. I'm trying the postive asking.Saying "please stay out of the fridge" as opposed to "please dont touch get into the fridge". Because its like saying "dont think of pink elephants" and all you want to think of is pink elephants. Ive tried giving him choices, more control over what he does..."you can pick a shirt or I can pick one, you need to wear clothes,but you can choose who picks" We do consequences, and rewards.We do calm down time, count to 10, pick a new activity, scream in to a pillow...everything works, but not always and I feel like everything it a constant battle with him.
I know its partially because of adding a new sibling and part of it is just his age...but I am sooo at the end up my rope by bedtime every day. Its not like I ignore him. I give him TONS of activities and TONS of one on one attention, but nothing is ever enough.

And suddenly, my almost 5 month old daughter who slept perfectly through the night, in her crib  until about a month ago has decided that its fun to take 15 minute naps,and wake up every 30-60 minutes at night to eat. I decided to breastfeed her.So not only am I not sleeping, I am having the life sucked out of me every 30 minutes.And I keep getting mastitis because her eating schedule is so erratic that my body cant figure out what to do.Also, huge plus, my nipples are going to fall off. And she wont sleep in the crib anymore during the day. She'll be dead asleep in my arms but the minute she gets in the crib she's wide awake. She wont go to sleep at night until 11 or later...last night it was 1.

The only saving quality my kids have going for them right now is the fact that theyre super cute and they have the whole being my blood thing  that keeps me from killing them like a psychopath. Everyone feels like they want to kill their kids sometimes. Everyone. Dont believe those who tell you otherwise. The thing that makes us good mothers is that little voice that says "oh,but theyre so cute, and you love them, theres no way you really want to kill them" and you go, oh,right, thats true.

So, I am a feverish(thank you mastitis), exhausted,under valued,over worked and currently working on evolving into being an octopus to meet everyone's needs all simultaneously. Life is super fun right now. I hope this phase ends soon or my head is going to explode.

The Anvil

Imagine that theres an anvil hanging by  a rope, swinging from a high, high ceiling. The rope is slowly fraying, you cant move out of the way,but you know the rope will break, and the anvil will fall on you. Its inevitable.Theres nothing anyone can do to stop it. You know its going to fall.But it doesnt change the fact that when it falls, it will still hurt.

I just learned minutes ago that my mother in law passed away from this earth. She had MS, her death was not a surprise, shes been slowly losing bits of herself for the past...15 years or more Her death was very much like the anvil.We knew it was going to happen for a very long time.But it still hurts. Hurts even though by the time I joined their wonderful family she wasn't the woman they all know and love. She was a fraction of the giant of a person she is. I love her. I think she is one of the most wonderful people on this earth I ever got the chance to barely know. She is kind,charitable,brave,amazing,beautiful,strong,loving,patient,a friend,a mommy,a grandma,a wife...a phenomenal  woman. She will be greatly missed.She will be greatly appreciated in the Heavens.Love you Karen Mcgrath Nay.Serve,Run,and watch us grow, from above.

Our Baby Girl is Here!!

It has been a week since she made it safely into this world, and here is her crazy birth story.

 After all the preterm labor I went through, my body just wasn't dilating past 3cm. On April 24th my Doctor decided to be merciful and scheduled me to be induced on May 4th 2013. I would be 39 weeks exactly.So I went about my usual bed-resting "activities" for the week ahead. We bought Iron Man 3 tickets for Friday night, our last date before we have two kids. My mom is happy that I will be induced on the 4th, she has a class on the 3rd and wouldnt be able to watch Kaleb if the baby came any earlier. We had a plan. It was almost over. I could make it ten more days.

Thursday May 2nd was a fairly normal day, I got a lot more done than usual because i figured at this point my body just wasnt going on its own so I may as well get the house cleaned and ready for Saturday  That night my sisters family came over and we played games. and once it got dark enough we went outside to roast marshmallows on the new fire pit. We got in pretty late, around midnight and went to bed.

At 2:45 am I am wakened by a gush of fluid. My water never broke with our son, so I am not certain that that's what just happened..but just in case I poke PJ and say "umm, I think my water just broke" hes mostly asleep and says "ok,cool" I get out of bed and he says " wait. really?? do we need to go to the hospital?" I explain that I'm not 100% sure if it was my water and that I am going to time the contractions to see if they get closer together or more painful.I say a silent prayer that if its my water I will know by what the contractions do, because I really don't want to go back to labor and delivery unless this is the real thing.

By 3:15 am my contractions have increased from 4 minutes apart to right on top of one another and they have gotten significantly more painful. PJ asks if we need to go. I say "maybe, yeah, ok we do" We grab the things we has packed for the hospital (after many trips there, the bag was all ready to go) And I run upstairs to tell my mom that she will be the one waking up with Kaleb in the morning. I tell her I think my water broke and we are going to the hospital. She asks what we should do, Im in a lot of pain and have no solutions so I just say "I dont know, this wasnt supposed to happen" And we head to the hospital.

PJ says he drove 60 the whole way, and apparently we passed a cop and miraculously didnt get pulled over, but I wasnt paying attention to the road at all. We arrive at the hospital as 3:30 am. The next bit is a little scattered for me, so I am just going to do it in a timeline.

3:30am Arrive, i put on the lovely hospital gown. I swear they take forever to check my dilation and if my water has been broken. I start to freak out that they wont get here in time and that she will be born in triage

3:45 am They check. I am 5 cm, and my water has been broken. Thats the magic number, theyre going to admit me.Right before they admit me, they check again, its been 5 maybe 10 minutes, I am not sure. I am now at 7 cm. I am progressing ridiculously fast.

4:00 am They're trying to hook up all the monitors, trying to find the heartbeat and monitor my contractions. I remember feeling crazy annoyed at all the people touching me and asking me questions. I wanted to scream "STOP TOUCHING ME!"  By this point the contractions are so ridiculously painful I'm literally crawling up the hospital bed trying to find some relief. It doesn't matter how I lay or sit or move, they're so close and so painful I find myself screaming. They contact the anesthesiologist to give me the epidural.

4:15 am The on call Doctor comes in. He checks me. I am 8 cm +. They ask if i feel like i have to push, i tell them that it kinda feels like I have to use the bathroom and they freak out. Apparently that's her head, They tell me to try and relax and calm down and breathe in between the contractions, I scream "THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN THEM!!" They tell me to breath through them, calm down, maybe the I'll get the epidural in time. PJ said later that he was kinda surprised I didn't punch one of them.

4:21 am The anesthesiologist arrives. He informs me that I am too far for the epidural and that instead they're going to do a spinal tap. He list off the possible side effects, and says I have to sit on the edge of the bed and tuck my chin to my chest and try not to move (haha, like thats possible at this point) Im sitting on the edge and they say ok, ready, we're gonna clean your back and put it in. "Too late" I say "She's coming now"  The whole room panics. The anesthesiologist saunters out. I dont think I have ever seen so many people move so fast. They get my legs up and tell me to push. Natural birth, one of my biggest fears, and I have no other option but to go through with it. I remember thinking "I cant do this! I just cant!" and PJ said "She's almost out, you can do it" As if he read my mind.

4:25 am. Emma Lena  is born. One big push and she's out and screaming. After all the craziness my body went through, she is breathing, and BEAUTIFUL. I think I am in a bit of shock at this point.They hand her to me and I cry. I cannot believe she is here. I cannot believe how FAST she got here. She is 7lbs 3 oz, 18.5 inches long. And looks to be perfectly healthy. I cannot believe how tiny she is, how beautiful she is, or that she is here.

There were no complications for Emma or me. Our first nurses shift ended she said that she told the new nurse about us and said that we were doing so well I could have just had Emma at home. We were home by the next evening.

Nothing with this pregnancy worked the way I thought it would. Cant work, Horrid morning sickness the whole time,bedrest, preterm labor, a completely unintentional natural birth...But it was all completely worth it to get to hold our little girl in the end.  All the nurses kept saying how perfect she is. All my nurses kept asking me if I would do the natural childbirth method again. I laugh, if it goes that fast then sure, but if it lasted for hours I dont think I could have done it. I had not prepared for a natural birth, and yet it honestly was not as horrid as I thought it would be. And Emma is healthy, and beautiful, and such a little miracle.

All the Pre-Term Labor Madness

I thought I would try and sit down and explain the craziness that has ensued the past 36 ish hours. Since I'm not one to explain a lot of things over Facebook, and Its also getting difficult to explain over and over in person, this seemed like a logical output. Ive been having contractions consistently since 28 weeks, they are nothing new to me. I was told to return to L&D if they increased. I am currently 34 weeks and 4 days..5 days...? pregnant. This is a basic timeline of what happened.

April 2, 430 pm- Contractions have increased from 15-20 minutes apart(since 6 weeks ago) to 3-5 minutes apart, with no activity. I had stopped all activity and was just laying in bed watching a movie with my son, and they continued.

730-My husband notices they are coming more frequently and wonders if we need to go to the hospital.

930- Still having very consistent contractions, Husband decides to take me in just to make sure everything is ok.

The next...many hours are kind of all jumbled together, but this is it in a nut shell. We get to the hospital, contractions are 2-3 minutes apart and getting increasingly painful, taking my breath away, etc. I am checked for dilation and cervical changes 1 cm dilated  60 % effaced.I am given 3 doses of terbutaline, it does nothing to stop the contractions. They continue to increase in intensity, I breathe through them. Sometime in between giving me procardia (more contraction stopping medications) I am checked again. 2 cm dilated  Nothing is stopping the contractions, they are just getting worse. I am declared as being in what they assume to be labor, they do not want it to progress any further as I am only 34 weeks. Had I been 37 weeks, or even 36, they would have just let it go on its own, possibly even helped it along if need be. But Im still verrry preterm. They admit me to the hospital to start a magnesium IV as a  last ditch effort to stop my pre-term labor this is at about..2 am? I am not sure. Hours of am and pm have basically ceased to exist 

At this point I am ready to kill someone. It hurts unbelievably bad. Its not going away, but since I have been given so many things to stop it, its not progressing as I think it should be, as MY body feels it should. I do not sleep at all. There are too many contractions. I start to dose off and another hits and rocks my body back to full alertness. I am exhausted. I wish there was another word for it, exhausted does not seem sufficient to explain exactly HOW tired I feel. They cant induce me. They cant get it to stop. My doctor gets there at 830 am. She does not want me to go into labor. Iam 2.5 + cm dilated  80 % effaced. They continue to try and get them to stop. After...who knows how long, they decide to give me morphine and stop the magnesium  and just see what happens. I manage to fall asleep for an hour or so. As long as I am asleep, the contractions have slowed to being 10 minutes apart. They seem to think this is good news. I wake up and they get closer again. They give me more meds to stop the contractions. They check my dilation  no change. This also seems to make them happy/hopeful. Eventually I get an ultrasound. Baby girl is perfect, growing beautifully. I am still measuring weeks behind. She is fine, just severely running out of room as it seem my body will not grow past a certain point. I am sent home. I have a prescription to keep the contractions further apart.

I am still having contractions as of today. They have slowed down, more like 10 minutes apart now. They continue to be painful. I may sit here for another hour in this phase of labor, I may sit here another 2 weeks. They dont know. I do not know.

I am...frustrated beyond all comprehension at this point. I cannot completely explain how...disconcerting, wrong,and discouraging, it is for my body to try and do one thing and the Doctors another. I was IN labor. And they stopped it, or at least prolonged it, as they are supposed to.Which is good for the baby. I have to keep telling myself that its a good thing. It does not feel like a good thing. It feels so wrong in a way. I do not know how to explain how exhausting,and frustrating and emotionally draining it is to go through that process to only be sent backward a step. My body is confused. I am confused. But they wont just let my labor progress until I am at least 36 weeks. So I will be on bedrest, taking my contraction stopping meds, like a good little girl. When in fact, all I want to do is scream to hell with you all, its MY body, if this baby wants out so bad, she can come out. But I wont. Not until I cant take it anymore, which could  will be before my due date. And at that point, I am giving up being careful. All bets are off now. She could get here any day.

28 weeks

Ok, so I am technically 28.5, but who is counting? oh wait, I am very much counting. Counting the days, the weeks and the months til baby girl gets here. Counting the number of times she kicks in an hour. And my least favorite development, counting contractions to make sure I do not end up in Labor and Delivery again. I do not think my body likes being pregnant. Especially not a 2nd time. I have all kinds of dumb things

happen. I look fine from the outside, in fact from the outside I barely look big enough to be as pregnant as I am. But my body get beaten up in all sorts of other fun ways. And yes, we have picked a name, and no we will not tell anyone. Not even our son knows. I feel like 12 weeks is way too long in some ways. And in other ways I am completely freaking out that there is not enough time to get done everything I want/need to get done. I have a constant list running through my head of all the things that need to be accomplished. I also have a list of the Saturdays I have left. It is getting smaller as the baby gets bigger. ok, Picture time.

How far along?28 weeks 4 days
Total weight gain/loss? +12 lbs, finally some weight gain! my goal is to gain at least 10 more in the next 10-12 weeks. 
Maternity clothes?yes
Stretch marks? no new ones
Sleep?Tired allllll the bloody time, but I have to wake up to pee all night and for some reason wake up like clockwork at 4am every day...and then go back to sleep...its very odd
Best moment this week? getting to the 3rd trimester!! 
Have you told family and friends? yes, although some ppl at church still dont know, or are too scared to ask.
Miss anything?Missing everything. these contractions have kinda put me on bedrest. 
Movement? yes! alllll the time. she is very very very wiggly.
Food cravings? chocolate, and fresh fruits and veggies, and as always cafe rio
Anything making you queasy or sick? the fridge, fried food, doing dishes, eating the wrong thing.
Have you started to show yet? yes i have :) 
Gender Prediction?Its a girl, still as far as we know.
Labor signs?yes,stupidly I am getting contractions, real ones with back pain and pelvic pressure and all that fun stuff. 
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time? Mostly happy. And stressed.  
Looking forward to?Being all done! But not too soon. I want at least another 10 wks. 

Half Way

I am now officially 20 weeks pregnant. Finally reached the halfway mark! I still have not felt the magical re-energizing of the second trimester and according to all the books it ends at 28 weeks so I have 8 more weeks for it to kick in. I have started to want to "nest"...which has turned out to be a problem, as this baby does not have a room yet. And i want to organize, but space is very limited. We wont find out the gender until next week, and I think I am more excited for that than I am for Christmas. I can feel the baby moving now, as can my husband. This baby is insanely active and seems to always be kicking or moving. Feeling the baby move is my favorite part of being pregnant. I also am finally starting to have a"bump"!! Which I am actually very excited about. I want to actually look pregnant for more than just the last few weeks this time.It took a while for it to appear, 2 weeks ago you still could not even tell,..and it still kinda just looks like I'm awkwardly fat sometimes....but its a bump!

How far along? 20 weeks! 
Total weight gain/loss? +0
Maternity clothes?yes, I finally gave in a few days ago
Stretch marks? no new ones
Sleep?Extremely tired but having trouble sleeping at night, this baby is a night owl
Best moment this week? Feeling the baby kick over and over
Have you told family and friends? yes
Miss anything?I miss being able to move around without doing something weird to some muscle or other
Movement? yes! allllll the time! its so fun :) 
Food cravings? peppermint ice cream, cafe rio, m&m's, cookies,cake,oreos....sweets! some days I dont want to eat anything healthy at all
Anything making you queasy or sick? the kitchen.strong smells.dishes
Have you started to show yet? yes
Gender Prediction?  im really trying not to think about it too much cause we will find out next week.
Labor signs? been getting lots of braxton hicks contractions lately. 
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time? mostly happy, very easily annoyed though, i have a ridculously short fuse when i am pregnant
Looking forward to? Finding out the sex of this baby!!!! 

Sometimes...

Something so heartbreaking happens, that I cannot get my heart and my head to wrap around it at the same time. Today the lives taken at an elementary school in Connecticut is the cause. I simply do not understand it.
Shootings at High Schools are bad enough, no matter what innocent lives are being taken, but at an Elementary?? Those children have barely lived their little lives. And someone decides to go and just take them away from this earth, without warning, without reason(Im sure he thinks he had one, but I think its invalid). Nothing, NOTHING justifies killing a child, let alone shooting over a dozen. They cannot defend themselves against that. Those poor families. Those poor children...My heart breaks. Over and over and over. And my head hurts from trying to comprehend the pain. Im overly emotional I suppose, I have a different, interesting perspective. I am a Mother, and I am also pregnant. As Ive seen the headlines roll in about this tragedy, there is a reminder of how precious life, how precious children really are. This small baby (yes, it IS a baby, most definitely) kicks and rolls around inside the small confines of my abdomen. For now this child is relatively safe wrapped inside, but I worry, as Im sure all mothers do. What kind of world am I bringing this innocent, beautiful,little life into? A world of confusion and pain There is also good, but it is so hard to see when something like this happens. How can I protect my children? How do I equip them to deal with the scary things of this world? I feel inadequate to do so effectively. No one could have seen this coming. This tragedy. This day of tears and pain and fear. Unfortunately this will not be the last time this happens. Sometimes I get so frustrated with our two year old, sometimes I have to remind myself how truly little he really is. Life can be cut short in an instant it seems. Life is precious,fragile,and remarkably short, sometimes unfairly short. As a child I always made sure that when my parents left the house, even if they were making me crazy that day, I made sure I told them I loved them Now that I am a parent myself, I always try to tell our son how much I love him. Not just when I leave, but multiple times a day. Maybe I have a paranoid fear of the end, of not knowing what will happen. Maybe its crazy. But after today, I feel a little less paranoid and a little more...love for those I love. I will continue to let them know how much I love them, because every little moment counts. Especially since we never know which moment could be the last moment. My heart, and prayers go out to the families affected by this shooting. Give your kids a big hug and a kiss. They are wonderful,amazing,smart,kind,loving,unique,and priceless.